Tuesday, February 12, 2013

"Regrets of the Dying"

This article is a summation of what I have advocated for years to my students, persons I have counseled regarding vocation, marriage, etc. We are so easily deluded by ourselves as to what is important. Don't be 70 and wonder if you "could have".  EGIt is used by permission.

"Regrets of the Dying" by Bronnie Ware

 For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:


1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Original Link: http://inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

Bio: Bronnie Ware is a writer and songwriter from Australia who spent
several years caring for dying people in their homes. She has also
released a full-length book titled 'The Top Five Regrets of the Dying -
A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing'. It is a memoir of her own
life and how it was transformed through the regrets of the dying people
she cared for. For more information, please visit Bronnie's official
website at www.bronnieware.com or www.hayhouse.com.au.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Religion versus Reality


I am sorry for the way that much organized religion has tainted what is supposed to be the greatest joy. I have experienced the dark side of religion, probably more than most, with crosses burned in my yard, death threats to my family, and constant upheaval during my growing years due to the ignorance of church people. I have survived and my faith has survived the conflicts with ignorance, superficiality, prejudice, and heresy. All that aside, the Christian experience is a personal one.

I do not blame God for the ignorance of people. I do not blame religion for actions and evil perpetrated in its name. I understand that people make choices to live their lives within the goodness and grace of God or outside of it. The ability to delude ourselves into positions and actions that are totally incongruous to Christianity and perpetrate it in the name of Christianity is a product of the hubris that always ends in tragedy.

 There is no greater tragedy than when someone with God given gifts, called by God to his work, and willing to experience the joy of living in God's will is driven from the ultimate experience of joy by those who don't understand the faith they espouse. Scripture teaches that in the spiritual realm, nothing is as harshly judged as those who keep people from a relationship with God. Some say that "to do no harm" is the goal. I say to deprive one of the spiritual release and knowledge that comes from a personal relationship with God is the ultimate harm. Many save lives everyday in their vocation based in science and medicine. I try to save lives everyday in my vocation based in the spirit. Physical existence is not all there is to living. 

I want every person to know the joy that I have experienced in my faith. It has led me past the ignorance of the institutional religion, the ignorance of the folk religions practiced by those seeking the joy and peace that I have; but not recognizing its reality. I want the openness of Spirit that recognizes the value of real living in a personal relationship with the one who created us. I want to share the gifts that come from that relationship in music, writing, and social action. There can be no separation of the individual from that relationship once established. We become what we do. If what we do is not based on what we believe, then we will believe in what we do and justify it by our own delusion.

 I find no conflict between my faith and science. I embrace that which is empirically proven as that which God created and I am many times astounded at the simplicity and the complexity of it just as the simplicity and complexity of salvation astounds me. I also embrace that which God's creation represents - the relational nature of God and Humanity made in God's image.

I do not choose to only recognize the finite. It is just a clue to the infinite.